I was recently asked to write a piece about our adoption journey now that we’re over ten years in and it really got me thinking about the choices we make.

Thirteen years ago I was working on a well-known long running TV drama. I was regularly taken to the theatre by agents. I had a nice life – there were visits backstage, meeting actors, red carpet events, premiers and celebrity friends. I worked long hours but it didn’t seem like ‘work’ as I loved it. I was happy but something was missing. A child. A ‘proper’ family.

So, my partner and I decided to adopt and now, with two young boys to keep me busy, ‘before’ feels like someone else’s life.

I knew things would change, of course I did, but I didn’t realise by just how much. Back then the adoption process was quite lengthy. It took us over a year to complete the preparation training and assessment but as soon as we were approved a match was found.

Pix, (a nickname we gave him) was eighteen months old when he trotted into our house like he owned it. He had his tea – tinned Ravioli as we’d been advised to keep things similar to how they’d been at his Foster Carers and they were his favourite.

There was a bit of ‘In The Night Garden’ (the start of far too many years watching Iggle Piggle!) and then he went to bed quite happily. I remember us looking at each other and saying, ‘That was easy’. We’ve learnt a lot since then…

For us this ambivalence at him leaving his Foster Carers and the ease with which Pix settled in was actually the first sign of Attachment Disorder and we missed it.

Whilst we’d learnt about attachment issues in Adoption training, we never thought we’d have to deal with them ourselves. Special Needs and Trauma affected children ‘happened’ to other people, not to us. We’d not specified it on our tick sheet!

As he grew, the emotional differences between Pix and his peers became more apparent. At playgroup if I left his side he wouldn’t look for me, he wouldn’t find me and climb up onto my knee for a cuddle like the other Mams kids. You wouldn’t walk into a room and think he was my child, he was just off in his own little world, doing his thing and looking after himself.

If someone else gave him attention he’d happily have gone off with them. I loved him unconditionally but I don’t think he was that bothered with me. It was hard and even though I knew it wasn’t his fault I constantly felt rejected. This wasn’t how I thought motherhood would be.

Then around the time he was three we wanted a brother for him and by the time Pix started Reception, ‘Squid’ had arrived (don’t worry it’s another nickname!)

This time during Introductions we witnessed him grieve for his Foster Carer. We watched as every time she left a room he screamed and physically fought us to get out of our arms. He was just twelve months old but he was heartbroken at her leaving.

It was awful to go through but we realised how healthy this was for him and how wrong the experience had been for Pix. The emotional connection hadn’t been there.

Squid came to us with ‘uncertainty’. He had medical needs – some things we knew, some we didn’t. He had a diagnosis of Global Development Delay – and no one could actually tell us what that meant for his future, they still don’t really know. We play a waiting game with that one.

He was having physiotherapy once a week and there was talk he might never walk. He would most likely need surgery in his near future, they even hinted at kidney transplants. It was a lot.

So whilst I was dealing with his physiotherapy sessions, GP and consultants appointments and settling Squid into our family, the school SENCO mentioned the word Autism for Pix.

Oh c’mon I thought! Seriously? Anything else?

I learnt very quickly how to juggle ever faster spinning plates with Squids surgery, the start of seizures, hospital stays, therapy, medication and fighting for Pix an assessment – we finally got his Autism Spectrum Disorder diagnosed in Lockdown 2020, four years after I started requesting an assessment. A year later Squid was diagnosed with ADHD!

My daily life turned into something a million miles away from what I was used to. In my work there was always pressure but it was to cast the ‘right actor’, ‘cast a famous person’, ‘No, cast a really famous actor’.. do it quicker, do it now, get me what I want, even though it doesn’t exist.’ I spun very different plates and sometimes I was asked to find the impossible.

But without doing those that work in that industry a disservice, because frankly where would we be without our soaps and our TV dramas, my work soon began to mean less and less to me. At home, my boys, that was what mattered. They were my priority and they deserved all of me.

Adopting my boys changed me. They taught me how to fight for something, how to never give up, how to be strong, how to ignore the disapproving looks of strangers, how to wait for love to be offered and most importantly how to be a Mam.

Today my boys have challenges, every day brings something else to add to the list and I’m constantly advocating for them, constantly fighting for fairness and support and the nearest I get to a red carpet is when the youngest throws his jam sandwich on the floor but that’s ok.
I never saw being a Special Needs Mam as in my future but that’s what I became. I look back and I think how different my life could have been and actually I’m alright with the choices I’ve made, they brought me my family.

Thirteen years ago, I thought I had a voice but looking back, my voice then was just a whisper compared to what it is now.

Lynn is a birth mother of five, a foster carer for over 40 children and an adoptive parent to five more children with learning difficulties and disabilities, including ADHD, autism, and Global Development Delay.

Their story began when Lynn left her nursing role to become a Foster Carer with a specific interest in children with disabilities.  Back in 2002 a special baby joined their family.  This little girl changed their lives in so many ways; she became the first of five girls with varying special needs Lynn, and her husband Terry would go on to adopt.

Speaking about her experiences of reading children’s reports Lynn said: “When reading a profile for children with disabilities, you get a better picture of what the future holds, helping to prepare you for the journey ahead.  It gives prospective adopters time to chat to other parents and professionals who can advise on the challenges which may be faced on their journey.  A disabled child can bring challenges with medical appointments etc, but it also brings so many rewards that others take for granted, as milestones are reached.

“For me when you’re looking at the report for children with additional needs, you have a better starting point because you know more about what you’re taking on.  You’re making the choice from day one.  Personally, I have found it easier raising my five daughters with learning difficulties and disabilities because I knew what I was getting into.”

Matching

Throughout the adoption application process, prospective adopters are asked to consider what conditions they feel they are and are not particularly suited to care for.  It can be a challenge for some, but for Lynn she found the decision easy, saying:

My mind was open to children with disabilities and learning difficulties, because of my job as a foster carer which meant that I knew the reality of caring for a child with additional needs.  I went on to adopt four of the children that I was caring for as a foster carer and they all have disabilities or learning difficulties.

With disabled children every small step is a bigger reward than it is than with other children.  We’ve been trying to get our youngest to clap her hands for 3 years, she isn’t yet, but if she did it would be a whole other level of amazing.  With children without additional needs, it’s always great when they do something new, but you do tend to just accept it – with a disabled child the reward is so much bigger.  You can see their eyes light-up around us and it’s the best reaction you can ask for.

Supporting other families

Lynn’s experience led to her setting up a very successful local charity, for children with disabilities and additional needs and their families, Pathways 4 All /The Tim Lamb children’s Centre where Lynn is still a volunteer CEO.  Lynn believes the support she received from her social worker and others she’s met along the way has been invaluable, adding:

Our Social Worker was a brilliant support to us too…being very honest in preparing us for what “may” lie ahead…allowing us to be fully prepared prior to the adoption.

We have also met some wonderful parents on our journey, who are a brilliant support network for sharing experiences and celebrating the children’s achievements.  When you have a child that needs extra support, you enter a whole other environment and community.  It’s a world where everyone gets on, you understand each other’s problems and you build relationships with supportive and kind people.

Advice to others

When asked what advice she would offer, Lynn said: “I would say to anyone thinking about adopting a child with additional needs to be very open minded when you get the paperwork. You need to think about it very seriously, look at your support network and research the disability the child actually has in detail. You can take a child that on paper looks fine, but two years down the line you might find they have ADHD or autism and that to me is harder to cope with, as it’s all new and you’re thrown in at the deep end.  You have to research what the disability is and decide if you think you can cope with what that entails. I would say look at your strengths and consider what you are capable of.  It’s also important to make sure that you are supported in your decision by family and friends.

“I adopted for a fifth time after reading about a little girl I couldn’t stop thinking about on a family finding website and doing so has made my life complete.  We now have a very smiley happy 10-year-old little girl, who rewards us daily with her giggles and cuddles.  As you can imagine we are a busy home, and children born or adopted can bring their challenges.  However, we are still here to tell the story (and yes we could write a book). But we are very much advocates for adoption, and I would always tell people not to overlook the children with disabilities, as they really do change your life in so many wonderful ways.”

Find out more

If you think you could provide a safe and loving home for a child with disabilities or a learning difficulty please complete our enquiry form here, or email us at adoptcoasttocoast@durham.gov.uk

Read all about our Adopt a New Perspective campaign in our news section. 

We began the adoption process without having a fixed idea of what age of child would be right for us. We just felt we had enough time, love and energy to give a child a new family and home. We had two children already so doing the baby stage wasn’t a necessity for us.

Through discussions with our social worker, we probably felt a toddler, maybe 2-3 years old would be right for us, but even then, we felt the right child was important, not the right age.

During our assessment phase, we were invited to a special event being hosted by the Council. It was aimed at trying to match ‘difficult to place’ children with families. This included any child over the age of 4, as well as sibling groups, children with particular special needs etc. We went with a very open mind despite our profile stating 2-3 years old. We were shown a profile of a little girl who, at the time, was 4 ½. She well and truly caught our hearts. Her past was complicated, and we knew that this would bring challenges for us but that did not deter us, she was the little girl for us. Amazingly, the Council agreed, and we were matched with her.

Moving in

So, a few months later we had our little girl living with us. She had needed some additional help and support given her past to get her ready for the transition to her new family. We were supported by the agency too with training, particularly in relation to attachment. The introductions took a little bit longer than normal, we all had to ensure that everyone was ready, but she was now with us, our daughter.

Things were great at first but then our daughter’s past became more of an influence. She could be easily scared, she could be distant and she lacked an innate sense of safety and security. We knew it was her past reflecting into the present, but it still wasn’t easy. The hardest thing of all was when we felt she was rejecting our love.

However, this was our little girl, our daughter and were not for giving up. Quite simply, we had to break down those barriers by consistently showing her love every day with structure and support. Essentially, we had to prove that we were indeed mum and dad and that this was her family, her forever home.

Understanding her past

The one big thing in our favour was that we understood her past and understood her behaviour thanks to the training and support we’d received. Over time, our daughter relaxed, came to trust us and let us into her heart. Although she couldn’t verbalise many of her feelings at first, she has always been aware of her past and in the long run, we think that has helped her accept it and move on. We have always been open and honest with her which has helped immensely. It builds trust.

Many older children have attachment issues. They have sometimes been through chaotic beginnings, where mums and dads didn’t act like mums and dads should. The sense of safety and security that should come naturally isn’t there and we had to rebuild that, brick by brick. Having a clear structure is important, ensuring that boundaries are in place and respected. Being there every day to wipe tears, play, laugh, eat, even all the normal daily family stuff. It all builds the foundations back.

Our daughter has now been with us for over 6 years. She is an absolutely wonderful grown-up girl now. She is courageous, resilient, beautiful and has the biggest and kindest heart you could ever hope for. She has been through a lot in her life but with consistent love, structure and support, she is thriving. Without doubt, it has been the hardest thing we have done but the rewards outstrip that 10 times over. So much so, we did it all again a few years later! Our advice is to be open to older children, they are full of love, potential and hope. You just need to unlock it.

Find out more

If you think you could provide a safe and loving home for a child or children over four years old like Debbie and Allan please complete our enquiry form here or email us at adoptcoasttocoast@durham.gov.uk

Read more of our adoption stories on our ‘Our Children, our families‘ pages and watch our videos on our YouTube channel.

Our journey towards adoption first started in July 2019, we decided to consider adoption after being told that my husband Ryan had a very small chance of ever having a child of his own.  We tried for 10years, and after month after month of disappointed we decided to stop trying and consider other options.  We weren’t entitled to free fertility treatment as I already had a birth son who was 17 at the time, and we couldn’t afford the costs for it to then not work.

I first suggested looking into adoption in 2018, Ryan needed a bit more time to come to terms with our diagnosis and think about it for a bit longer.  One morning I was browsing through Facebook when I saw an advertisement from Durham County Council about an adoption information event, where you could come along and speak to some people and get advice and information and if you were interested, they would take your name and contact you. I had already sent in a registration of interest form prior to attending the event, so it wasn’t long before we were contacted.  A lovely lady named Wendy came out to visit us around a week later to fill out some forms and do a home check to make sure that we had enough room to bring a little one home.

Imagining our family

Within a few weeks we were accepted onto stage one of the adoption process, and assigned a social worker who would work alongside us, helping us to get to panel where we would eventually be accepted as approved adopters. We had been approved for a single child and during the process we got asked what kind of child we wanted to adopt.  It sounds awful as you feel like you’re picking and choosing and looking for the perfect child, but we got told that it had to be the right child for us as a lot of adoptions breakdown due to adopters taking on too much, because they think that they can handle a child with disabilities or coming from a tough background.  We decided that a child aged 0-2 would be perfect, we said no to bringing a child with disabilities home, only because of the impact it would have on our work life and feeling that it would be a lot to take on as a family.

An unexpected phone call

In summer 2019 we welcomed home Ava, she was a beautiful 14-month-old with bright blue eyes and curly hair, she fitted in perfectly and it was like she had always been a part of our family.  Ava had been home a few months when we found out birth mum was expecting a second baby.  Our social worker got in touch with us and explained that it was our decision whether we would want to consider taking on a sibling.  They like to try and keep siblings together where possible, but because we were only approved for one child, we would have to go back to panel again to be approved as second time adopters if we decided that it was right for us.

We discussed it and decided it would be the right decision for both Ava and the new baby to be brought up together and we didn’t want to take that away from them, so we prepared for another adoption panel as well as getting things ready for a new baby arriving.

We found out towards the end of the year that a little boy had arrived and had been put into emergency foster care as we had not been to panel yet, so were not yet approved to bring him home as approved foster carers.  So, the plan was to get us approved as foster carers while waiting for panel to become his adopters.  This took a long drawn out 5 months, for reasons beyond our control, but in the spring of 2021, he finally came home, and our family was finally complete.

Taking on siblings

When we first decided to adopt, we agreed to one child, as that is what suited our family at the time, but after bringing Toby home, we are so happy that we decided that to keep them together as it was the right thing to do.  There are so many siblings that are split up due to adoption, this can lead to an adoption breakdown, especially if the children are suddenly separated after being together with birth family or foster family, so if you have the love in your heart and the room in your home, then please consider siblings as an adoption option.  Toby had been home a few weeks when we noticed that something didn’t quite seem right, his right arm was constantly stiff and fisted, he was not wanting to sit or do tummy time, and I noticed he would stare blankly into space and straight through you at times.

One morning I witnessed his eyes moving from side to side like a shaking movement.  Within a few days of this he started having what we now know are infantile spasms, this can be very dangerous and needs to be under control ASAP.  We went straight to hospital as we knew this was not normal, and he had an MRI of his brain.  This is when we found out that he was missing a large part of the left-hand side of his brain.  One possible cause is that a blood clot in a vein had burst causing a bleed and a stroke in the womb, leading to that part of the brain to eventually die off.  This has left Toby with epilepsy and right sided cerebral palsy.

Life with a disabled child

After digesting the news, we shared it with our social worker and our children’s social worker, they were devastated that this was not picked up earlier and asked us if we wanted to continue with the adoption and that they understood fully if it was something that we decided we could not take on as a family.

We as a family knew there was no way that Toby would be going anywhere but home with us.  He was ours and we were ready to face any challenges that came our way and fight with and for him.  He was Ava’s full sibling and there was no way we were going to split them apart because of Toby’s diagnosis – he was the same baby boy as he was the day, he came home only now he needed us more than ever.

Now I’m not going to say that we weren’t scared about how it was going to affect us as a family.  We didn’t know fully about his condition; we didn’t know a lot about epilepsy or cerebral palsy apart from what you read or what you see on the TV, and it can be pretty frightening especially epilepsy.

It’s not nice to watch a baby have daily infantile spasms, to be on so many medications until they find a cocktail of drugs that reduces them but doesn’t fully stop them.  Then there’s the hospital appointments and the home visits from different professionals that are suddenly involved in your child’s care.  You suddenly become a carer as well as a parent.  It can take its toll on family life, so I’m not going to sit here and sugar-coat it and say that life is perfect, because some days can be challenging.  But all these extra challenges don’t come without all the extra love and patience.

To see Toby as happy as he is on a daily basis regardless of his disabilities is just amazing. He is more than just a child with epilepsy and cerebral palsy, he’s loving, he’s funny, he loves music and Cbeebies, he’s a home boy and loves to be at home snuggling on the sofa where he feels safe.

The reality of Toby’s disability

Toby’s disabilities mean he may not be like your average toddler – he doesn’t yet walk or form words.  He only has just learnt to hold his bottle to drink but doesn’t yet feed himself.  He only learnt to sit up unaided at 15 months old, but every milestone he meets is another milestone we were never sure he would reach.  He is such a blessing and has brought so much joy into all our lives as a family and we couldn’t imagine him not being here with us.

Now if we were to read about Toby on paper without ever have meeting him first, I very much doubt we would have agreed to bring him home, this is because what you read is not the full picture of the actual child.  I could write so much about Toby, but all people would see are his disabilities, and I believe if you’re not looking to take on a child with needs then you’re not going to want to meet the child in question.  I remember when we were looking through profiles it was the exact same for us, you forget there’s a child behind the words you read.

I will be forever grateful that we got Toby before his diagnosis, or we could have missed out on raising a beautiful happy little boy who is more than what is written on paper.  Yes, he has disabilities, but he isn’t a disability, he’s a child, like every other child who needs all the love in the world from a loving family to help him thrive and grow into a happy healthy adult.

The impact of trauma

Adopted children come with trauma no matter how young they are, or how little trauma they have experienced, being separated from birth family is a trauma.  Although we got Ava and she was a happy, healthy 14-month-old, she still has trauma. Ava sees a therapist once a week because she likes to be in control of all situations, her behaviour can spiral a lot most days and she can be difficult to parent – at times more so than Toby.

Toby’s condition was not picked up until he had been placed with us, so it doesn’t matter what you read about a child on paper, a child is more than just words written down, they come with challenges as do all children whether they are birth children or adopted.  It’s OK if you need to ask for a little help, it doesn’t mean we love these children any less.

Our children, especially Toby, have a lot of help and support, Toby has his consultants and physiotherapist as well as speech and language, portage (an early learning support service for pre-school children who have complex developmental needs), sensory and learning support.  He is part of an amazing charity called MATRIX who are absolutely fantastic, and there is so much help and support out there for you and your child – you will never be alone in your journey.

If there is a child out there with a disability, please don’t just look them over, ask for more information, read up on their condition – you may find it’s not as bad as what it reads, and it’s something you could maybe consider.  Children with disabilities often end up in long-term foster care placements because people are unsure or unwilling to bring these beautiful children home.  That’s where Toby might have been if we had only just read about him, had his diagnosis been picked up earlier.

Find out more

If you think you could provide a safe and loving home for a child or children with additional needs like Louise, please complete our enquiry form here or email us at adoptcoasttocoast@durham.gov.uk

Read more of our adoption stories on our ‘Our Children, our families‘ pages and watch our videos on our YouTube channel.

Unlike many people who start researching adoption, Natalie and Oliver always thought that they would like to adopt more than one child, with Natalie saying: “We chose to adopt siblings because it can be quite an onerous process to adopt. It was fairly painless for us because as adopters we were pretty straight-forward, but it’s still a process we had to undertake. We knew we wanted two children and we thought that if we could keep two children together by adopting them together, then that would be the best thing for them, and the best thing for us.

“At one point I remember us saying that our ideal scenario would be to have twins. It really was because they would do everything at the same time, and they’d always have their closest family member with them too which was important to us. We were very lucky in that we were matched with twins, and it was a bonus that we only went through the process once.”

When it comes to adopting more than once child, prospective adopters can have a multitude of concerns about their own time, space in their homes, the cost of raising two children as well as the practical considerations relating to day-to-day logistics such as managing drop-offs and picks ups; but for Natalie and Oliver they took it in their stride and see it is a bonus that they don’t know any other way of parenting.

“We really benefit from the fact that we don’t have anything else to compare it to – we’ve only ever known what it’s like to have two children.  We’re just not aware of how much easier it could potentially be with one. You just get on with it don’t you? We’ve got two and that’s the way it is – we don’t know any other way, but it works perfectly for us,” said Natalie.

Oliver added: “Going from zero children to multiple children is something that’s probably more challenging for the first couple of years, but once they start to interact and play with each other the tables turn and you feel like you’re having an easier time.”

Family life

Like all brothers Reuben and Isaac have their small fall outs. When asked what the most annoying thing about his brother was, Reuben was quick to say: “He fights with me”, and Isaac was just as quick to reply with “He fights with me too”. But when asked about their favourite thing they do together the boys really lit up and were quick to reel off a collective list of “Football, rugby, tennis, basketball, canoeing, paddleboarding – lots of sports. We like baking in the house together – we like chocolate brownies, biscuits, and cookies. Mummy is better than daddy at cooking, but rugby is daddy’s favourite sport.”

For parents, Natalie, and Oliver they couldn’t agree more. “The best thing about having the two boys is the way they play together and the way they entertain each other, and just the fun that they have. The way they make us laugh. It’s great.” said Oliver.

Natalie agreed saying: “They’re best friends, they really are. Don’t get us wrong they fight like cat and dog at times like all brothers, but they’ve always got each other’s back and they get a lot of confidence from each other as well.

Even the boys agree, with Isaac said: “I like having a brother because I like playing games and sport with him. I love my family.” Echoing his brother Reuben added: “I love my family because they play with me and because I love my mummy and daddy, and I love Isaac.”

“We’re very fortunate in that we know a lot of adopted children, so for them it’s completely normal. But if we did live somewhere where there wasn’t a cohort of people who understood, it would have been even more important for them to have each other.” added Natalie.

The benefits of two children

Many of our adopters agree that moving children into a new home together can help them settle quicker – with many attributing this to the fact they have a familiar face throughout. Natalie felt this to be true for her boys, saying, “They settled in very quickly. With retrospect it took a little longer for one of the boys, but the other settled in immediately.  We didn’t realise it at the time because they slept 12 hours the night we brought them home, but a lot of that was probably down to the fact that they were together. They had always slept next to each other in cots and even though one-year olds don’t interact very much, they are taking comfort from having the presence next to them.  I really hope their closeness lasts.”

When we asked the boys why they think brothers should live together with Isaac saying: “It would be really boring without my brother.” With Reuben keen to agree and very cutely adding: “Because I love my brother.”

Natalie said: “Despite being twins they’re very different people and have very different characteristics which we find fascinating, but they are also best friends and they have so many of the same interests. They have the same hobbies, friends and they’re in the same class too.”

“They also benefit from time away from each other if we get the chance on the weekend. They enjoy the one-on-one with each of us – probably more than they even realise. They don’t ask to go out with us separately, but they enjoy it when we do.” Oliver added.

“We do too. It’s lovely to have the one-on-one time with them – and it’s a lot easier.” Laughed Natalie.

Advice to others

There is a lot of information about adoption and lots of research into adopting siblings, and when asked what advice they would offer others considering adopting biological brothers and sisters Natalie said: “If someone was thinking of adopting siblings, I’d say just go for it. They’ve already got a little family together and it becomes part of your family. They always have their closest genetic connection with them, and while I don’t think family is just about genetics, it’s nice for them to have that growing up and as they get older.

“I think when you’re taking children from one environment to a completely different household you’ve no idea what’s going through their heads, but I imagine they seek a lot of comfort from each other, which made the process a lot easier for them, and for us.”

Speaking about the impact of adoption on their lives, Oliver said with a smile: “It’s made me realise that all of those times that you thought you were busy, was actually free time. It’s been great adopting kids – there’s a lot of rushing, toing, and froing, buying food and doing the laundry but it’s all great. It opens your perspective to a new kind of enjoyment.  They are bundles of energy – with good appetites and grazed knees – all of that good stuff.”

“To sum it up – we’ve never been busier, but we wouldn’t change it for the world.” Concluded Natalie.

Final word goes to the boys who summed it up perfectly, by saying: “If I didn’t live with my brother, I would be sad.  Really, really sad.”

Find out more

If you think you could provide a safe and loving home for brothers and sisters complete our enquiry form here or email us at adoptcoasttocoast@durham.gov.uk

Watch Natalie and Oliver’s video case study here.

Read all about the benefits of adopting siblings in our article here. 

For many people thinking about having children, they often think about having more than one, and when adopting it brings a consideration as to whether you would adopt one child, and then look to adopt again further down the line, or alternatively adopt siblings together at the same time.

On asking Jennifer and Stephen about their motivation for adopting siblings, they say it was something they had always considered based on their own family experiences. They both grew up with siblings and the thought of not having them with them, led them to think about the children in need of families alongside their brothers and sisters, as well as what they envisaged as their ideal family unit.

Stephen explains: “We’d been trying for a family for many years and we’d decided between us possibly that adopting one wouldn’t be enough,” with Jennifer adding: “We also thought two together would be quite nice for both them and for us. Having someone there for you through both the happy and tough times you experience in life.”

New parent concerns

Jennifer and Stephen started the adoption process in 2019, completing preparation training and having lots of detailed discussion with their social worker, before being approved at panel and being matched with two little girls.  Although they were confident in their decision to adopt siblings, like all new parents, they still had a couple of apprehensions as the time for the children to join them grew closer. Jennifer explains:

“Our biggest concern was how they were coming into our family, and how they would react to it. We were as prepared as we could be, but for them, they’d had so much change in their lives already.”

Laylah was five and Isla was almost three when they moved to their new forever home. Jennifer continues: “They went from a very busy birth family household to a very busy foster family, and then to come to us where it was just the two of them. I think we realised we needed to help support and nurture their relationship. It wasn’t something that was a huge concern but something that we thought about as they were coming into our family.”

Stephen also recalls that although they had done lots of training, there was still an element of ‘winging it’ when they actually arrived home, responding and adapting to what the girls needed, and being careful to not put too much pressure on them as they adjusted to their new home and being the only children there together, with two relatively new adults.

Stephen said: “Jennifer and I had been together for quite some while, and we relied on each other, and all of a sudden, two little people came into the house and time is pretty much not your own anymore. It’s demanding but it’s so worthwhile.

“We just wanted them to gel and they seem to have done that. They are close in age, and they bounce off each other, and that’s important. That’s what we hoped for when we were thinking about adopting siblings.”

Settling in together

A number of parents who adopt brothers and sisters together tell us that having a sibling there with them during the transition to the adoptive home is comforting to the children, helping them to settle in. Jennifer talks about one particular experience they had:

“When they came home to us they had a bedroom each, and that was great and they were excited to begin with. But I think over the weeks to months, Laylah didn’t settle well on a night and there was a lot of shouting downstairs, and just not being able to sleep.”

Stephen adds: “It was my suggestion, I thought not only for the closeness of the girls, but for our peace of mind too, why don’t we put Isla in with Laylah? Isla sleeps very well and goes to sleep very early, so then Laylah is encouraged to join her and get on with her own quiet time in the room before going to sleep. It worked like a charm, and they’ve been there ever since, and they’re quite happy with that.”

Jennifer reflected on this, thinking about the fact that they had always shared a room, living in such busy households previously, and that Laylah still needed the company of her sibling at night to settle. She also thinks sharing a space between them helps with their relationship. Eventually, when they are ready, they can have their own bedrooms again.

Shared experiences and understanding

Talking about the shared experiences her girls have with each other, Jennifer highlights why she feels it’s important to keep brothers and sisters together.

“We think brothers and sisters should be kept together for that support they’ve got. They’ve been through similar early experiences that try as we might, we could never understand. So for them to have each other still, in an environment to be able to support each other and talk to each other about things is really valuable.

“Isla was very young when things started happening (in the birth home). Laylah was older and more aware, and as questions come, it will be Laylah who can answer most questions for Isla, and we can be there to support that.  We can have open conversations as much as we can, but for siblings to be able to have each other to talk to about that in the future is very important.”

Advice and support for people considering adopting siblings

When asking Jennifer and Stephen what advice they’d give to others thinking about adopting siblings, they suggest finding out more, meeting children in real life at activity days and chemistry meetings, being open to what comes, and generally just doing the best you can.

Jennifer says: “If you think you can only have or manage one child, then that is fine, but if there is even just a small part of you that thinks or considers siblings, then have those conversations, talk about it, speak to your social worker, start exploring profiles, ask the questions and it’ll hopefully confirm it either way for you. We’ve said before that we don’t think there’s anything special about us particularly. We are quite average and if we can do it, then a lot of people can do it as well. It has really been the best thing for us.”

Jennifer also talks about how the ongoing support of their adoption agency has been really valuable to their family: “We’ve never needed anything too heavy but just knowing that our adoption agency is there to support us with things we may need is a huge thing.

“We enjoy a lot of the events they put on for children and families too. It’s great to feel part of that wider family. At a recent beach activity, Laylah asked me afterwards if the children she was playing with there were all adopted too. I don’t know all the different family circumstances of course, but I told her ‘Yes, most of them will be,’ so it’s great for her to know that there are lots of other children who have been adopted too, enjoying life with new families. It just normalises it more for her I think.”

Final thoughts

For Stephen and Jennifer, adopting their daughters turned their life upside down, but in a really wonderful way. Jennifer says: “It’s changed our lives massively and you would expect it to. You really would. Yes, there’s demands on your time, your energy, but there’s also double the fun, double the joy and at the end of the day it’s wonderful.”

It’s over to Laylah and Isla for final thoughts. Everyone laughs as Isla tells us that they were allowed an ice lolly for breakfast today as a special treat.  On asking them what the best thing about their family is, they said they love having family hugs and that they like days out, going to the beach and the theme park, Light Water Valley.

Laylah says: “If you don’t have a sister, you just have to play on your own or with Mum and Dad, but if you have a sister you get to play with her.  I like it when we both play babies together.”

Isla adds: “We like going to the soft play together. I like the slide, the big blue one, it’s fast. When I go up the big bits, Laylah helps me do it.”

The girls agree that people should adopt brothers and sisters so they can be happy, and that they think they’d be sad if they weren’t together now. This is despite instances of hiding glasses and snoring in the night – the very best of friends can still have little annoyances.

Find out more

If you think you could provide a safe and loving home for brothers and sisters complete our enquiry form here or email us at adoptcoasttocoast@durham.gov.uk

Read all about the benefits of adopting siblings in our article here. 

Watch Jennifer and Stephen’s video case study here.

View more of our real-life video case studies on the our children, our families page.

Start your adoption story by completing our enquiry form today.

Gillian and Ryan have two lovely daughters who are now aged ten and almost eight. They adopted them back in 2016 when they were four and almost two.

When starting the adoption process, Gillian and Ryan were open minded about what their family might look like. They were always keen on having more than one child, but were also thinking about what they could cope with as first-time parents, the ages the children might be, as well as practical things such things such as the size of their home, and their support network of family and friends.

As they moved through the adoption process though, a pathway towards siblings was confirmed. Gillian said: “The more we learnt about siblings that came through and hearing about the benefits of them being adopted together as a family unit – that and the training we had, it all led us to go with siblings. We weren’t necessarily bothered about having a boy and a girl, or two of each, we were just happy to go with two siblings.” Slightly tongue in cheek, she says she now wishes they adopted three!

Ryan later tells us that he always knew that two daughters would be right: “I actually always wanted two girls. I thought that would be the perfect package. We wanted to have two kids that could be friends and have each other.”

Meeting their children

After completing all of the preparation, Gillian and Ryan were approved as adopters at the end of 2015 and it was shortly afterwards that they heard about the two little girls that were to become their daughters.

After a period of introductions through a photo book and shared videos, it was time to meet the children in person. Ryan remembers it was an overcast July Monday morning when it happened and they felt nervous.  The had been prepped to understand that the youngest was quite shy, and might take some time to open up to them, and they were also mindful of the fact that the eldest had experienced a long road in care.

On pulling up outside the house in their car, their eldest daughter opened the blinds and waved, shouting Daddy. Slightly taken aback, Ryan said: “Gillian, the bairns’ waving at me, what do I do, and she said, well wave back! It was full on.”

Gillian also recalls: “It was a whirlwind from that point. We should have took a moment outside. Like when she shouted Daddy and then I got out of the car she said ‘and Mummy’.

“We went to the door and the foster carer said don’t be worried if the little one doesn’t come to you straight away, but actually, she put her arms straight out for me. I went over to lift her up and I was tearing up, as we’d been prepped that she wouldn’t do that.

“They weren’t shy or withdrawn or worried or anything that we’d been prepared for them to be. They were warm and loving, and playful straight away with us, and it was lovely because we didn’t expect that, you know. We thought it would be more of a slow bonding process and we were prepared to give them their space, and let them come to us – but they were just woosh straight away.”

Ryan adds that it was such an emotional experience, and something quite hard to explain knowing it’s not something that most people get to experience, meeting their children in that way.

Gillian and Ryan are also quick to point out that their experience wasn’t necessarily typical, and that they thought they were lucky in part for everything to have been so easy meeting the girls.

Support

They also talk very fondly of the foster carers who they said did a fantastic job of preparing the children for meeting them, and eventually taking them home. They found them to be a big support and are still friends today.

Ryan said: “Our social worker from the local authority was brilliant too, very professional – and she managed us well.  And our social worker with the Voluntary agency, well she was brilliant, wasn’t she?”

Gillian replied: “Yes, we couldn’t ask for more support and preparation for it. Throughout the whole process of knowing about adopting siblings, and things you need to consider with that, we were just really prepared.”

Settling into their new home – together

On bringing the girls home, Gillian and Ryan think that having each other was a definite comfort to them.

Gillian said: “Bringing them home together helped them settle in, in every way possible. They had seen their bedrooms as we had made them a book about our home and family, but they came in together and wanted to explore together like children do. They held hands and were running between each other’s rooms, showing each other things and sharing everything.”

She adds: “I often wonder what it would have been like for our eldest – whether she would have settled on her own? I think it would have been an entirely different experience. I think she is very comforted by having her little sister there, although she’s the oldest. Little one is a lot more confident for all she’s younger, but I still think she needs her sister as well. Even now you bring one home and she’ll ask where the other one is.”

When Gillian suggests that they needed each other more than them as parents at the beginning, Ryan interjects and reminds Gillian how quickly the youngest daughter became attached to her. He remembers this clearly as he’d be the one trying to console her when she was crying for Mummy if Gillian nipped out to the shops or something. They have a little chuckle at this.

Gillian adds: “Bringing them home together, I think was the best thing and it was at that point that I thought, yes, this was definitely the right thing to do – adopting siblings together.

“You read a lot and do a lot of training, but actually having them both together and watching them grow and settle together and have each other – that’s the biggest learning curve and they dictate how we parent and show us what they need. It really helps.”

The sibling bond and shared experiences

On asking Gillian and Ryan what the best thing has been about adopting sisters, Gillian said: “It’s funny as sometimes they don’t get on, but they look for each other all the time. It’s nice to take that step back and think yeah, they’ve got each other and they’ve always had each other, and they’ve come to us together. For all they fight and argue, they know that they always have each other don’t they?”

Ryan remembers: “I dropped them off at school a couple of weeks ago, and I dropped them a couple of hundred yards up the road and I said to them ‘You can walk down’. I watched and they were like shoulder to shoulder, just chatting away as they walked down towards the car park. It’s when you’re not there that you see the bond, as when you’re there with them, they might be fighting for attention – but when it’s just them two and they’re off, they’re best mates. It’s like the secret world of sisters.”

Gillian also notes that when they have had conversations with them about adoption, they look at each other’s responses and reactions. Although they might have a different take on things due to their ages, they’re comfortable with it and they think that is helped by being with the person that went through that experience with them – sharing the same life story.

Gillian adds: “I think if you’ve got a child that’s adopted, and just the one, they’re probably wondering who else has gone through this and you know, I wonder if there’s someone in my class who’s gone through this, whereas they’ve got each other. I think it’s a comfort for them, and it’s nice for us that they’ve got that.

“I think about what their journey will be when they’re older, how they’ll process this when they’re older and it’ll be interesting to see whether they’ll approach things together, if they want to look into history.”

Advice for adoptive parents thinking about adopting siblings

On asking Gillian and Ryan if they have any advice to give to others thinking about adopting siblings, Gillian suggests talking to friends and family members who are parents.

“Speak to people you know who’ve got kids and ask them what it’s like to raise siblings and what they go through – is it harder with two or is it actually easier with two? Ask for as much advice as you can and make sure you have your support network there with you. It is overwhelming at first, but it is for any parent. You know, don’t be afraid to ask people, just because you’re adopting, it doesn’t make you any less of a parent. That’s my biggest advice.”

Gillian also has advice for people daunted at the thought of adopting more than one child, and how it has actually alleviated worries for her about bonding and attachment, that parents who adopt one child may be more likely to have.

“Having siblings, you’ve watched them bond with another child, you’ve seen them share, argue, make friends, love somebody else. So, it’s a good indication about what they’ll be like when they go to school, and what they will be like with other children. I think I am much more relaxed as I’ve seen how they overcome struggles with their sibling. And for me that is a great source of comfort. For someone who is considering looking at adopting siblings – I think it’s a huge thing because it takes away some of the worry about bonding and attaching.”

A life changing experience

It’s clear from talking to Gillian and Ryan that adopting their daughters has been completely life changing – and they struggle to think about a time when they weren’t theirs.

Gillian says: “You often sit and think about if you’d took a different path and become a parent differently – but for me those girls are mine, they were always meant for me, and I was meant for them. They are just our world. It’s a massive impact but a wonderful one, and it’s challenging, and sometimes upsetting and heart-breaking, and all of the things that encompass being a parent – but I would tell anybody to go for adoption if it’s something they’re thinking about, something that’s crossed their mind to find out more about it, because it’s wonderful.”

Ryan echoes Gillian’s thoughts saying: “It was the most profound experience of my life, the first day that I met them – and then it’s just an emotional rollercoaster after that. The novelty doesn’t wear off. It grows stronger and stronger, this love. It’s something that is in me that I didn’t know I had until I had these kids – every day is just a blessing with them, and I can’t wait to see them every day.”

Find out more

If you think you could provide a safe and loving home for brothers and sisters complete our enquiry form here or email us at adoptcoasttocoast@durham.gov.uk

Read all about the benefits of adopting siblings in our article here. 

Watch Gillian and Ryan’s video case study here. 

*stock images have been used for illustrative purposes.

Here Claire shares her story with us.

When asked about her decision to adopt Claire said: “I had a diagnosis of polycystic ovary syndrome, so I knew conceiving naturally was going to be incredibly tough.  Whilst fertility treatment was an option, I just felt that the process wasn’t right for us – I worried it would be too physically invasive and I was also concerned about the emotional impact it would have on us as a couple.

“We loved the idea of offering a home to a child who had had a difficult start in life, and we knew we could give a child the family they needed to thrive, so adoption was the natural choice.”

Claire and David initially started their adoption application thinking they would adopt one child. But as the application process progressed and they learnt more about the children in care, the couple changed their mind. In-time they decided they would be open to adopting a sibling group. Claire said: “We were approved to match with either a single child or siblings at panel, and once we started looking at profiles of children, we expressed interest in a few of them including single children and siblings.

“I remember getting a call from our social worker to say that we had been linked with one of the brother and sisters we had expressed interest in.  I had said that I would need to talk to my husband about it, and I would get back to them, but in the meantime, my husband had taken a call from the child’s social worker to say we’d been short listed, and he said, ‘We’ll have them!’”

Meeting the children

Although every case is different, for Claire and David they met their children twice informally at a chemistry meeting (or bump-in meeting as they are also known). The meetings are often done once a match is identified and social workers agree it works on paper, but before the adopter(s) and social  workers decide it is right  to progress. The chemistry meeting brings a child to life in a natural setting and gives adopters the opportunity to observe the child and see if it ‘feels right’.  Such meetings can be particularly beneficial if a child has complex needs as it allows adopters to see the reality of the child’s care needs.  If all parties feel the match to be right, the adopters go back to panel for approval of the match, and if approved by the Agency Decision Maker, introductions are planned.

Claire said: “We first did an hour-long chemistry meeting with the children at the foster carers’ house, and we came out gushing.  But we’d said we would make an official decision after the second planned meeting and our upcoming holiday. The second meeting was two hours long, and we came out, got to the car and both said, ‘Yes they are our children’. I just had a feeling when I saw them together. Our son was a baby, and our daughter was a little older at 2 and a half, and she just wanted to be loved and with us.  At this point we just knew siblings was the right choice for us.

Getting ready for the children’s arrival

“Once our decision was made, we immediately bought them little teddies and put together a photobook of us enjoying our holiday adventures (teddies and all). When we got back, I dropped it off for them, and then we had a week and a half to get two rooms ready and to tell my boss I was going off. It’s funny reading the original description now – I can really get a picture of them from it and it’s so accurate.

There were some concerns along the way

There are lots of understandable concerns when prospective adopters start thinking about adopting more than one child. For Claire, her main apprehensions were about finance, with her saying: “Both me and my husband work full time and we wanted it to stay that way and maintain our standard of living.  My main concerns were about whether we could afford more than one child. For the age of children we were looking at, we needed two of everything – two nurseries, a double pram, two car seats and we needed to think about whether we needed a bigger car, whilst also weighing up the cost of private childcare. My worries were about affording to have two of everything at the same time.

“As the process went on, we started to talk about the dynamic of our family and opened up discussion about adopting siblings. We thought it would be lovely to bring home two children and bring them up together, to maintain that sibling relationship and the important bond. We slowly started to think ‘maybe we can do this’.

“As a couple we also discussed childcare with family, and we had a large support network which reassured us.  When we were asked to think about it by our social worker, we decided we would probably want to add more children to the family later. There was no guarantee if we were to add to our family further down the line that we’d get a second child from the same birth family, so for us we thought it was better to bring  them into the family together, and to bring them up together as both birth siblings and our children.

“We were also conscious that their background would have to be incorporated into their life story work, and for us we just thought that if we adopted on two separate occasions, explaining that the children are brother and sister but from different birth families was a bit complicated.  Adopting siblings was certainly something we came around to.

Advice for others

Adopting in general is a big decision and for anyone thinking about adopting siblings there’s even more to consider. When reflecting on what advice she would offer other prospective adopters, Claire said: “For anyone who’s thinking about adopting siblings I’d say that it’s a big step and it isn’t all plain sailing, but adopting siblings is so rewarding and if you can do it, I would highly recommend you do. You have to be very aware that you are bringing two or three children into your home, and they will need lots of attention but it’s so worthwhile.

“Personally, I would also advise anyone considering adopting siblings, to speak to someone who has done it already. Get their point of view and hear about their real experience. That was the most valuable part of the decision making for me.  Our social worker put us in touch with a woman who’d adopted siblings and being able to talk honestly and openly to someone who has been through the process from start to finish, and then hearing about their lives now a few years down the line, was way more important to me than anything else. I can’t thank her enough for that support.

“I spoke to the woman of the family about my reservations and worries and she reassured me that she had exactly the same queries, worries, anxieties. She spoke about how she incorporated her children into her family, and every single thing she said put my mind at rest and eased my anxieties.  To me speaking to the mum really, really helped me.  We also had a lot of support and a lot of donations – everyone was very kind, and we got given a double buggy, so take all of the offers!”

Settling in

The children moved in with Claire and David during the Covid 19 pandemic, and the family found themselves living together just a few days before the country went into lockdown. Reflecting on this time Claire said: “We couldn’t have any other help during lockdown, so it was all focused on the children.  Our son was very little so took to his new home straight-away, but my daughter had a lot of anxiety and due to delayed speech, wasn’t able to express her feelings.

“Despite being so young, my daughter had a very caring role for my son within the birth family, so she didn’t quite know how to be a child when she came to live with us. Every time I went to change his nappy or give him his lunch she was there. So, we had to explain to her that it was lovely that she wanted to care for baby brother, but we could do that from now on, and gradually this sunk in.

“Lockdown was hard, but now we can reflect on it, we think the bond they have with each other and with us, was strengthened by it all.  They came out of their shells quite quickly because they had each other and total focus from us. As hard as it was at the time, it made us bond as a new family of four. The day they came home is something I’ll never forget.”

Best things

When asked about the best things about adopting a brother and sister group there’s no hesitation from Claire: “Without a doubt seeing them together, playing from morning till dusk is the best thing about having siblings. Their imaginative play is amazing. He’s the patient and she’s the doctor, or he’s the student and she’s the teacher – she’s always the bossy one!  They have their little fights as siblings do, but then they also go to nursery together hand-in-hand and come out again the same way. They just love being together.

“I’m close to my brother and it’s lovely to see that relationship developing with my own children. Even the little things are special – my daughter will bring him food ready for when he wakes up and everything is shared between them. They look out for each other and it’s wonderful to see them safe and growing up together, knowing that they came to us together and their future will be with us, together.  It’s a bond that will last.

“For me, the idea of my two being separated is so hard now. They are so close, and it’s so important to me that they’ll have the same lifestyle and opportunities. Them being raised as brother and sister is how their birth family would have wanted it to be too.

“Our daughter couldn’t speak when she first came to us, and after some speech therapy it became clear that it was because nobody had talked to her, not that she couldn’t speak. This meant that the children sort of learnt how to speak together, and our son will translate for his sister even now. They have a sort of secret language, and they totally understand each other. My heart almost burst at her nursery graduation when she was asked about her favourite thing about nursery, and she proudly said, ‘I couldn’t talk before, and now I can sing.’

“We went into the adoption process thinking that one child would make our family complete. But as you progress, your mindset changes and your thoughts change along the way. It’s quite a rollercoaster. We definitely went in focused on having one child and came out of it very happily with two.”

Find out more

If you think you could provide a safe and loving home for brothers and sisters complete our enquiry form here or email us at adoptcoasttocoast@durham.gov.uk

Read all about the benefits of adopting siblings in our article here. 

Watch Claire’s video case study here. 

*stock images have been used for illustrative purposes.

One of the biggest unknowns for many people starting the application process is what working with a social worker is like, and how they will find being lots of personal questions about their lives.  For Sophie and Alex, they had two social workers as their original social worker decided to relocate, however, the couple say the transition was smooth.

Sophie said: “We took to our first social worker immediately, we had lots in common and we feel she really cared about us. We were sad she was leaving, but we felt that she wanted our relationship with our new social worker to be at the same level as it was with her.  We really got the impression that the team were treating the transition delicately. Our new social worker has been wonderful throughout – we knew her from some of the training and she has been lovely and brilliant with the transition. She really is one of the best people we’ve ever met.”

Training

The couple carried out their 3-day adoption preparation training in September 2021 and they completed further Fostering for Adoption (FfA) training later on in the year. Although later decided that FfA wasn’t practical for them due to the amount of travel potentially involved.

Speaking about the three-day preparation training Alex said: “We really enjoyed the training and took a lot from it. The reality about the children in care really stuck with us – a lot of the example papers are tough to read so when we got the real children’s’ reports we were definitely waiting for the scary moments. If we hadn’t seen the previous ones, we would have been terrified by the ones we saw, but we read through them with a new understanding because of the training and I genuinely thought ‘I think we can handle this.’”

Talking about what stood out for her from the training Sophie added: “We already knew that life story work was important and this, as well as broaching the topic with a child, was a big emphasis of the training. As adopters it’s important to know just how big and important this area is, and the discussions in training really resonated with us. The training brought home that you’re responsible for a human being and what you put in now, will impact how they will come out later.  You have to make them confident in their adoption, there is no way around it and adoption is an important part of who they are. You are, in a sense, custodian of their life story and you have to treat it delicately and respectfully and the training has helped us comprehend this better.

“When it came to reading about and understanding our daughter’s own story, we went back to what we’d learnt in the training, and we felt able to deal with it and to ask the right questions.  For me training also helped me better understand that asking for help doesn’t make you a weak parent, it means you’re doing the best for your child.

“Colleagues and friends and family say they would have quite liked to have had the training we did before they became parents themselves. Even during introduction week, we had someone train us on how to feed the baby, how to bath the baby and how to change a nappy – which other parents get that?  This introductions week was amazing because we had a whole team who were there to support us and who were helping us to prepare for parenthood – it’s brilliant.”

Geography

Although Sophie and Alex are based outside of Adopt Coast to Coast’s local authority areas, the couple say the geography hasn’t been an issue throughout their application.

Sophie added: “Being out of area hasn’t been an issue to us and a lot of things have been on Teams, and I guess this is one of the benefits of the pandemic. Geography hasn’t been an issue in general and even during the induction week we made it work.  The preparation training was a bit difficult on Teams, and we do feel we missed the social aspect of meeting peers in person.  We missed not making the bonds with the other adopters, but our social worker made sure we had an adoption buddy who was fantastic. They have been a wonderful support to us, and we have had sperate Zoom calls with her and we have a WhatsApp group with her too.”

The couple felt that as well as getting support from Adopt Coast to Coast they learnt a lot from their own research and conversations with others with Sophie saying: “Adoption is a secret club – as soon as you tell people you’re adopting they suddenly say “oh I adopted”, “my sister adopted” or “I’m adopted”. We were surprised at how many people we spoke to whose lives have been touched by adoption.  You automatically become so much closer to that person because you have a shared understanding, shared empathy and a shared experience that others can’t understand.”

Stage Two

Stage Two of the adoption process should take four months to complete – this stage involves meetings with a social worker who writes a Prospective Adopters Report (PAR). The PAR is all  about the applicant or applicants and looks at various elements of their life, their thoughts on parenting, birth family and talking to their child about adoption etc. The PAR is then presented to a panel of adoption experts who decide if an application is recommended to the Agency Decision maker who makes the final decision.

The couple went on to start Stage Two in November 2021 and when asked about the home visits required for the Prospective Adopters Report (PAR) Sophie said: “As we’re out of area we did the home assessments intensely over the week and our social worker came to stay near-by, whereas normally it’s done over longer periods. The assessment sessions were in our home, and we were able to talk about the later steps too which was great for us.

“We felt privileged to be accepted by Adopt Coast to Coast because we live some distance away so we really put the effort into the workbooks, and we actually found it therapeutic. It’s the most important piece of paperwork you’re ever going to complete so we just gave it our all. You’re effectively marketing yourself to your future child’s social worker, so you must be on you’re A-game and you need to really sell yourself.  We don’t have anything to hide so we put it all on paper.  I don’t think social workers are looking for the Hollywood lifestyle where everything is glamourous and perfect. They want to know about the boring things you do in your life as that’s what they are looking for – stability and routine and normality.”

Alex added: “A lot of people presume their life is boring, but actually the day-to-day things are the most important for the Prospective Adopters Report (PAR).  You might think walking the dog, cooking and watching TV is boring, but actually they are the important things.  Making Saturday morning pancakes and dancing in the kitchen are the things that you remember when you grow up and are so important to the PAR. I’m not sure the social worker would like it if I went potholing and base jumping on the weekend mind!”

“Everything goes back to the fact that we picked the right agency for us – you want to have a connection to the agency and the person who’s going to be assessing you, because the process is intrusive.  We found out things about each other that we didn’t already know – after all when else do you sit down and go-though your memories about how you are brought up with a partner? It’s just not something you dwell on.

“There’s no judgement with the social worker – you have to remember that they have seen it all and heard it all, so you just have to be honest.  Our social worker knows more about us than anyone else in the world.  You want that person to be someone you trust and have a connection with, and we were lucky to have that with ours. If I could give any advice to any other applicants is to make sure you put the effort in with the social worker and homework book as it’ll put you in good stead for when you do the home assessments.” Sophie added.

It’s a match

Sophie said: “Even when finding our little one it felt like fate. We got approved and the first profile I saw on Link Maker was our daughter’s and I knew instantly she was our daughter.  This of course doesn’t happen for everyone, but I had all the feelings and butterflies, and we knew we needed to find out more.

“We spoke to a social worker, and she thought it was a good match and from there it all happened so quickly. There had been a lot of interest in her because she was a baby, but the social worker loved our Prospective Adopter Report (PAR) and because we were open and honest in it, she could see how the baby would fit into our family.

“The following week a meeting with the baby’s social worker was organised and we went along with 46 questions after reading all of the information we had!  Even at that stage we were thinking about life story and how we were going to answer questions, so the meeting was a great way to find out more.”

Although applicants don’t always get matched so quickly and the process isn’t always so smooth as it was for Alex and Sophie, everything aligned for the couple and the match agreed and a meeting with the foster carer who was caring for their now daughter was arranged.

Meeting for the first time

“The bump in was quite awkward as you’re going to a stranger’s house to meet who is hopefully going to be your daughter but they’ve cared for her since she was days old so it all feels a bit weird. The baby was asleep too so we felt a bit awkward.” Sophie said.

Alex added: “It’s like you’re trying to have a regular conversation and act normally, but your daughter is in the corner and you just want to hold her!”

Sensing the couple were feeling awkward, the foster carer stepped in, Sophie said: “A social worker put the little girl in my arms and though I knew there was lots of people watching and taking photos so I could remember the moment, I was just oblivious to it.  I had tears running down my face, and in that moment all of the pain of the last four years and infertility just washed away.  All that mattered was that she was mine and I was hers.  As I was holding her, she stretched out her hand to grab hold of Alex’s finger – she chose us, and it felt like magic. It was just meant to be.”

Alex added: “We feel so lucky that Adopt Coast to Coast were able to approve us. From the moment I saw the article about the launch, to now having a daughter, it has just felt like fate.”

When asked if there was any advice they would offer others who are in the adoption application process the couple said: “We got some brilliant advice from our social worker really early on. They told us that if we were going to adopt we should go out and enjoy the process and to treat the application stage like a pregnancy.  We went out and bought clothes, we did the nursery and we just enjoyed looking at clothes and buying clothes and decorating like any other parents-to-be would. So many people – especially if they’ve come from loss – are too scared to go for it. They might rush it at the end, but for us we’ve really enjoyed this part and we were grateful for this advice and time to enjoy the process.”

Find out more

If you’d like to hear more real-life stories of adoption, please view the Our children, our families pages.

If you’d like to find out more please complete an enquiry form and one of our friendly team will give you a call to discuss your own circumstances and answer any questions you might have.

Here we meet Anita, a single mother from the North West who adopted three biological brothers in succession who tells us all about her reasons for adopting and her experiences of adding to her family three times in four years through Fostering for Adoption (FfA).

Speaking about her decision to adopt Anita said: “I decided to adopt because I’d gotten to the point in life where I wanted children and I hadn’t met the right person to have children with.  I also felt that I needed to do something about it at that point in time, or it was never going to happen.  I didn’t want to go down the other routes single people take to start a family and after doing some research, I knew adoption was the best route to me.”

Despite adopters coming from a wide variety of backgrounds, those making initial enquiries can often be worried that they aren’t going to be accepted. The Adopt Coast to Coast team hear lots of different concerns ranging from the practical (e.g size of house and income) to the personal (e.g marital status and family set up), but with single parent adopters the biggest questions are often related to their support network.

“My biggest concern was whether I’d be accepted because I don’t have any family close by, so I questioned whether I would be perceived as having enough support.  I knew I could do it; I just wasn’t sure if the agency would have me.  But during the very first phone call with an adoption expert, I talked about being single, and she brushed it off as no big deal which reassured me that it wouldn’t be a problem.  I was aware that I needed to show that I did have a strong support network.” Added Anita.

Telling people about her adoption plans

Initially Anita didn’t tell anybody that she was enquiring about adoption as she wanted to know more before she told anyone.  Only once she had decided to send in a completed Registration of Interest form (which officially starts the application process) did she tell close friends, family and colleagues about her plans to adopt.

The reaction from friends and family were all very positive for Anita, with her stating: “As a teacher I have a lot of teacher friends with experience of children, so it didn’t particularly faze anyone.  I have spoken to other single adopters who haven’t a lot of experience with children and their family and friends thought it was a bit overwhelming, which is understandable, but my family were all very supportive.

“My parents were worried about the impact on me – especially as we started to investigate a bit more about what the children in care might have been through and how it might impact me, but they’ve always thought along the lines of ‘If Anita thinks she can do it, it’s probably fine’.”

Fostering for adoption

Initially Anita was matched with one little boy through a Fostering for Adoption placement.  Fostering for Adoption (FfA) is an early permanence placement, which allows a very young child, sometimes babies, to be placed with an approved prospective adopter who is also temporarily approved as a foster carer.  This early placement offers the child the best start in life as they can develop a secure attachment with the carer who may become their adoptive parent.  This placement is not without risk as through the court process a decision may be made for the child to go home to birth parents or live with their extended birth family, if this is best for the child.

Anita said: “I actually decided to go down the Fostering for Adoption route quite late into the application process.  I got approved at the end of April and I got a call about six weeks later to say that a baby was being born the next day and would I like to be considered for him   From these initial conversations about the match, I knew that Harvey’s birth parents had learning difficulties that might impact him later, and that he had older siblings.  Social workers worked very closely with his birth family, so I had enough information about the situation and the process as a whole, to be comfortable with taking the Fostering for Adoption route.  Getting the phone call and move-in date so quickly was quite a shock but very exciting too. I brought my oldest son Harvey straight home from hospital that Friday.”

Adding to the family

When Harvey was around two, Anita got a phone call to say birth parents were pregnant and another baby was on its way.  Whilst adopters aren’t automatically expected to adopt brothers and sisters of their children, they are always told about pregnancies, so the family are able to consider the impact of the new addition to the life story and identity of their own child or children.  Plus, once a new biological sibling is born, contact arrangements to benefit all the children will be reviewed.

At the time of the call Anita had been starting to consider adopting again and was keen to find out more about adopting Harvey’s impending sibling.  Anita’s second son Jessie joined the family straight from hospital, making them a family of three.

Just 18-months later another phone call came to say another baby was on its way, and although Anita was keen to add to the family and keep her children with their sibling, the decision to say yes, this time was understandably not quite as easy.

Thinking it all through

“During the first matching process with Harvey I was aware that his birth parents had learning difficulties so I knew this might impact him.  I had to weigh up the possibilities, but I went in aware of them and decided it was right for me.  When Jessie came along it was a little easier to make the decision because Harvey was two at this point and he was hitting all milestones and there were no obviously developmental issues, so I felt reassured that I could deal with the two children.” Anita said.

“It was a little trickier with Kyle as the third child, because by this point, I knew Jessie had some developmental delays and to this day we still aren’t sure if it is genetic or caused by a gene defect.  There was lots of unknowns and making the decision to adopt a third child when there was still lots of uncertainly about Jessie’s needs was difficult.  One of the reasons I decided to go ahead was because I was immersed in the baby stage anyway, so I thought why not?”

When a further phone call came along about another pregnancy and fourth baby, Anita had already made the decision not to add to her family, so the conclusion this time was tough but much more straight forward and supported as realistic by the social workers.  Anita said: “I had already decided that adding another child to our family wasn’t right for me or the boys and I was ready to move on from baby stage.  I was happy to stick with my three and luckily the family who adopted the youngest sibling actually live nearby and we meet up regularly so the boys can see each other, and we collectively are able to support this really important relationship.”

Family life today

Since having the boys, Anita has single-handedly provided a safe, secure, encouraging, creative, loving and fun home for three young children, faced lockdown and undertaken the usual challenges of parenting, but she wouldn’t have it any other way, adding: “My sons are all birth siblings and they came straight from the hospital to me, so we really did grow organically as a family. They are just brilliant, full of fun and adventure and they make every day worthwhile. We have our difficult times like any other family, but I wouldn’t change our setup for the world.  The boys love nothing more than cosy movie nights snuggled up on the sofa, days out at the beach and we look forward to many more adventures together.  We chat about their adoption, and I love the fact that they all have a biological link which will help them understand their adoption and their sense of identity as they grow up.”

Find out more

If you’d like to hear more real-life stories of adopting as a single parent, you can read our Q&A with Abi or watch our real-life case study with Mel.

We can also arrange for you to speak to a single adopter one-to-one, and in confidence, so you can talk about real experiences of single parent adoption with someone who has been there.

If you’d like to find out more please complete an enquiry form and one of our friendly team will give you a call to discuss your own circumstances and answer any questions you might have.